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Six Music.
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And now, Adam and Joe.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe, and welcome to the highlights of this week's Adam and Joe radio show on BBC Six Music, during which we were very excited to be joined by Sir Roger Moore.
And Roger, as we've been permitted to call him,
Yes, yes.
Is here with us to do our podcast links.
How good is that?
Well, I'm very good.
I'm known as the old podcaster.
I can't even track your innuendo anymore, Roger.
Nor can I. I just assume that's filthy.
I'm not sure how or why.
It's good, Lord, it's filth.
Did you supply a lot of the innuendo yourself for the Bond movies?
The ones that weren't in, yes.
Oh, really?
They chopped a few out, did they, as it were?
In the book, My Word Is My Bond, you talk about your favourite being the Moonraker re-entry line.
oh yeah that was one that completely baffled me when i said because i was about 10 when i went to see that movie and my cousin took me to see it and i remember we saw it in a theater in california it was very exciting and i loved the film and at the end there was this re-entry line the whole cinema erupted with laughter and i was just like
What?
What does that mean?
What?
What does that mean?
And she said, oh, you know, it's nothing.
She wouldn't explain, obviously.
It's a space phrase.
Well, because he was taking Lois around the world one more time.
Right.
Exactly.
And that was apparently quite an uncomfortable, because you're floating in zero gravity, and apparently that was quite an uncomfortable rig.
Am I right?
Exceedingly uncomfortable, because the ridges cut you where, when you're making love, you don't want to be cut.
Yeah, yeah.
It would have been very painful to attempt reentry then.
It's virtually impossible.
OK, well, I think we're going to proceed with the highlights now.
We could just talk to Sir Roger for another half an hour, but that would be wrong.
At the end of the show, I want to ask Roger what he made of coming on our programme.
Right.
But first, here's what the programme sounded like in a condensed form.
hello and welcome to the big british castle we hope you're having lots of jolly fun please obey the rules when you're inside the castle or we'll jolly have to throw you jolly out upon your arse good morning adam good morning joe how you doing i'm all right thanks very much bye bye then we'll see you next week thanks for listening thanks a lot bye
Oh, that was quick.
It really flew by.
It was a fast show this week.
It was.
You can tell when it's going well because it really whizzes by.
It went well.
That clever thing you said about good morning.
Saying good morning to you when you asked me.
That was smart.
I just came right back with it.
Did you?
It's natural now, isn't it?
When you said to me, good morning, I just thought, what would be a funny thing to say?
And I just said good morning right back, but in kind of an upbeat way.
Yeah, that's why you get the laughters.
Yeah, that's true, isn't it?
They're much heavier.
They've got an L. You could really do some damage with them.
But seriously, a serious tease though for later on in the show, we are going to be joined by... Has he won any Oscars?
No, but he's won a Cernus.
He's won a Cernus.
Yeah, he's a Sir, so you do have to respect that.
He's a knight.
I call him Sir Roger.
It's nice to have a knight in the big British castle.
It is.
Sir Roger Moore is going to be on the show.
We don't normally have guests on this programme, of course, but we are bending the rules for Sir Roger.
Yeah, it's the only time you'll see him or hear him in the media this month.
That's true.
And it's weird because he's got an autobiography out, but he's chosen not to publicize it.
He's not going on any shows.
At all.
This is an exclusive.
He has not been on any programs at all, apart from this one.
So it's quite a big deal.
I think you'll agree.
He has obviously been on various shows.
What?
He has.
I'm afraid I saw him on Paul O'Grady.
Oh, for goodness sake.
But it's going to be very different, because we're hopeless.
And all the shows he's been on before have had professional presenters on them.
He hasn't yet stumbled into an arena like this.
No, but we're going to be brilliantly professional.
I've read his entire biog.
Well done.
Yeah, got all the factoids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
uh so you know i bet ross and uh savage he's not called savage anymore is he lily yeah he is here uh i bet they haven't read the book no exactly probably not ross can't read he can't read he can't see past uh all his piles of money but i'm gonna be compiling a list of questions to ask roger throughout the show yeah i was thinking maybe listeners could help me with it
I'm going to be much more freeform than that.
Are you?
I'm not.
He's going to prefer my technique.
I don't think so.
I really prefer the tall one.
I liked it when the short, tubbier one asked me whether I liked Roger more.
The tall one would make an excellent James Bond.
The shorter, more intelligent one would make a wonderful villain.
Yes, that's fair enough.
I'm happy with that.
That's something to look forward to.
Ah yeah, a little groovy break.
Now back to work.
Do you read about the spammers this week, mate?
No, mate.
What's that news?
Caught a couple of spammers responsible for a third of the world's spam.
No.
Why are you saying it in an Australian accent?
Guess.
Because they're Aussies.
They were Australian men.
No.
Although they were operating in Australia and New Zealand.
They didn't pin down whether they were Aussies or Kiwis.
I would say they were almost certainly Aussies.
They were operating in New Zealand as well.
They were operating in New Zealand?
That's more South African.
South African, isn't it?
What is the difference between an Australian accent and a New Zealand accent?
And a Kiwi accent.
I think my only frame of reference is Flight of the Conchords and Rhys Darby.
Now he's from New Zealand.
Yeah.
And he, New Zealand to me seems very slightly breathy.
Yes.
Secretive and sort of punchy.
That's just the way that Rhys Darby talks though.
Well, that's what I miss.
Whereas Australian's just a bit more broad like that.
Exactly.
Yeah.
They're just about to punch you.
Yes.
Everything's quite exciting in New Zealand.
Yeah.
And more breathy.
Well, Ernest, as a lazy generalization, I always characterize the Kiwis as like the Canadians to the Australians, Americans.
Do you know what I mean?
You know that we're slightly obsessed with accents and actors doing them badly in films.
I thought it could be a competition.
You're not allowed competitions at the big British castle, but if we were,
You could have people phone in and they'd pretend to be a particular nationality and we'd have to guess whether they were putting on an accent or not.
Right.
It's like an accent test.
We can do that, can't we?
I'll thinkle it through.
Pop it in the think box.
And then we'll see whether it's worth flying.
My problem is that how would you know whether the person was lying or not?
You'd have to just depend on them being truthful.
Howard the Duck.
How would you know?
Howard the Duck.
You're distracting me now.
I love that film.
Let's talk about that.
No, we'll talk about it later.
That's good about the spam though.
Yeah, sorry.
Third of the world spam they got rid of in one fell swoop.
I mean, that's progress.
That gave me real cheer this week.
What sort of spam were they sending?
Was it to do with Winky Size?
Winkle Wonkles, yeah.
It was Winky Size.
And the drugs and the Viagra.
Was it Discount Meds?
Exactly.
And it's two guys.
Really?
At the top of this operation.
You know, they've got other people and they've got lots of robot machines.
It's all about, what do they call them?
Bots.
Web bots or net bots or botnets.
Botnets.
Botnets.
Why not net bots?
Why is it botnet?
Anyway, they've sorted all the botnets out and they're killing them all and it's like... Kill the botnets.
It's like Clone Wars out there.
Oh, it's exciting.
Except much more exciting.
Talking, talking, talking, talking.
Credence Clearwater revival with Bad Moon Rising.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Always reminds me, is it over the closing?
Where is it in American Werewolf in London?
When they're in the shower, I think, isn't it?
Is it the dirty scene?
Filthy scene.
That's why it's so reminiscent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Evocative.
It's burned into your brain here.
Of Jenny Agatha's boobs.
Her lovely, lovely boobs.
She's someone who is the object of a lot of adolescent fantasy, wouldn't you think?
Well, she was around the time, because that was a very powerful
scene of physical intimacy between two consenting human beings.
When previously one had maybe only seen her in the railway children.
Plus that was when VHS first came to Britain and American Wealth in London was one of the first movies to be released on VHS and there was no certification.
So anyone who was a kid around those days would have seen all sorts of forbidden things.
Beautiful things.
Including Jenny Agatha's areas.
Popknops.
Have you seen Railway Children recently?
No.
That film is hard to watch.
That doesn't have any scenes of physical intimacy between adults.
No, not really, no.
It's got her waving her pants in the air to stop the train.
What's the girl with the fairly large teeth called?
Titty.
No, not Titty.
Swallows and Amazons.
Is she called Titty?
There's lots of books where they've got, you know, of that period where they've got funny names like that.
Yes, yes.
No, she's not called that.
Bunty.
Bunty something like.
What has she got?
Frolica.
Frolica.
Come in for tea, Frolica.
Come on.
And you, Titty and Bunty.
Sit down.
Waffles.
Stop that.
Waffles?
That's the dog.
No, it's the sun.
Is it?
Waffles.
Waffles.
Stop it, Waffle!
Birds-Eye Potato Waffles.
What sort of a name is that?
Oh yeah, so funny I forgot to laugh.
So did you see in the news, Joe Cornish, there's deadly spiders?
No.
Did you see the deadly spider thing?
Oh, I read that new types of insects were coming into Britain because of the global warming.
Al Gore?
Yeah.
He's shipping them over?
He's packaged them up in a big crate.
Yeah.
And sent them over on a weak bit of rope.
Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
So now they snap and it smashes open.
Yeah, thanks very much.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
He has them on, his body is full of spiders.
Did you know that?
If you look up close, his skin undulates because he's just full of, he's not a man, he's just a million spiders in the form of a man.
Like Oogie Boogie in Nightmare Before Christmas.
Is that what happens?
He's great, yeah, he's just a big sack and when the sack comes undone... There you go.
Was he called Oogie Boogie?
Something like that.
I don't know.
I don't like that film.
It's good, man.
What's that?
What's that?
That drives me insane.
I've rediscovered it since having children.
Really?
I watched it again and it's really not bad.
Is it good?
It's pretty good.
Anyway, I digress.
The scary spiders, though.
I mean, have you ever been bitten by a spider?
No, but when I was in America recently, somebody spotted, potted, spotted out, pointed out a black widow spider on the streets of LA just hanging by an electricity box.
He said, hey, that's a black widow spider.
Watch out when you go into the Californian countryside.
And lo and behold, I was swimming in a swimming pool, working, obviously, in the pool, still working in the pool.
And there was a black widow spider hanging in the corner of the pool.
Just having a cocktail.
Yeah.
What?
In a little inflatable chair.
Yeah.
And, uh, that was terrifying.
And he was saying, I got a great idea!
It's about this man, and he can climb up walls, and he can...
You get where I'm going.
Spider-Man.
No, Man-Spider.
Man-Spider?
Yes.
That's very different.
It's frightening though, isn't it?
And we must all be careful in our daily lives to watch out for the new spiders.
Very good.
Watch out for the new spiders.
There's a new spider.
Maybe they should launch Spider Magazine.
The BBC's Spider Magazine.
It's all the latest spiders.
a guide to them, what to be afraid of, a poster of the new spiders, interview with old spiders, what they think of the new spiders, spider facts.
That's a great idea.
BBC Spider magazine.
In BBC shops now.
BDC.
That's a very good idea.
Have you ever seen the effect of a bad spider bite on YouTube?
You should.
It's amazing.
No.
Really, really?
Is that true?
Oh, it's amazing.
Because presumably it doesn't, it's not just a sort of boil on the skin, it's the person going into some kind of shock.
No, no, no, no, no, it's not, it's not that.
Oh, in that case I'm not interested.
In the States, right, there's a type of, I think it's called a common brown, not called a common brown, but something the brown spider.
And somewhere in the Midwest, if you get bitten by one of these things, obviously the thing to do is to go into hospital.
But some of these folks don't have medical insurance, right?
So there's videos of themselves... Big issue in the election.
Right.
There's some of these folks without medical insurance treating their own orange-sized swellings on their neck from the spider bite.
Puncturing them.
It is unbelievable.
Draining them.
Draining them.
Oh my God.
If you've got a tough constitution, right, check these out.
Otherwise, do not, because it's the most unbelievable thing you'll ever see.
Hello, Pete Doherty here.
Just like to say how much I enjoy listening to the Adam and Jo podcast.
Whenever life's got me down, it always brings a chuckle to my face.
We reckon we can spot a fake accent a mile off.
That's the premise of this segment.
So we've invited listeners who either have genuine accents or think they can do an impeccable pretend accent.
And we don't know which, obviously.
We've invited them to phone in, speak to us in their accent, and we have to tell whether they're genuinely foreign or pretending to be foreign.
We've got Francesca on the line.
Hello, Francesca.
Hello.
Now, how are you doing, Francesca?
I'm doing fine.
I'm in Southeast London.
Where are you from, Francesca?
I'm from Italy.
Italy.
Italy?
What's happened to your accent then?
I lost it on the way to England.
Oh, there's a little bit of it there.
You sound more Irish to me.
I thought you were Irish because we were testing the line just before you came on there.
and you sounded a little bit Irish, and I was speculating that maybe an Irish accent is something that a lot of women seem to enjoy doing, do you know what I mean?
Like in the old, when I was at school, a lot of girls would do an American accent, because that was fashionable at the time.
Yeah, people do think I'm American as well sometimes, but I haven't been trying.
Do you know any poetry off by heart?
Or the lyrics from a song or something?
Or pick up a magazine, is there a magazine around there?
There is nothing more sad and wasteful than a room full of intelligent and highly paid people waiting for a chance to attack something the Speaker has said.
It sounds like, and don't respond to this Francesca, I'm talking to Adam here, I think it sounds like a mix between Irish and Italian.
Have you got any Irish roots there Francesca?
I have, yes.
OK, now be honest with us.
It's now time to reveal whether you're... So my guess is that she is genuinely Irish with a bit of Italian.
What's your guess, Adam Buxton?
I'm Italian with a bit of Irish.
She jumped right on in there.
She's Italian with a bit... There you go.
But there's no trace of Italian in your accent.
No, but it's because she said earlier on that she was Italian.
That was what gave me the clue.
Earlier on she said, I'm Italian.
And I picked up on that.
and I followed it, you know?
That's my genius.
So there we go, we've rumbled you, Francesca.
Yeah, that was quite easy, wasn't it?
It was quite easy, but well done.
Surviving life with that accent, do you find it gets you into difficulties?
I was asked once if I was Chinese and my boyfriend says I sound like Yoda.
That's a difficulty.
That's two difficulties.
Well done struggling through.
You've got a nice voice though, Francesca.
Thank you very much indeed for calling us.
Thank you.
Have a good weekend.
We've got Dave now.
Hey Dave, are you on the line?
I am, yes.
Now this is more like it.
Dave, have you got a magazine handy or something or a book?
I have many magazines handy here.
That might be a real accent and we're just laughing at his accent.
So talk to us, Dave.
Read from something clean, please.
I can talk about The Clash.
Dave, I can't believe you phoned up.
Go on then, talk about The Clash.
They were not the most consistent of live bands.
For every Clash show that played into life,
There'd be another where the band acted like individuals.
Are you a film actor?
I am not, no.
You're not, you should be.
You really should be.
You could be in films with that accent.
You could play like a Polish gangster or... Is that supposed to be Polish?
It's Germanic.
It's Eastern European, right?
Where are you from, sir?
Aren't you meant to guess?
Now he's from Germany.
He doesn't even know where he's from.
Is that the name of a town?
What did you say?
Can't you guess?
Yes, we guess that you're from either Germany or Poland.
Or Streatham.
I'm actually from Liverpool.
Yes.
Now what's your real accent, Dave?
Because we're guessing... My real accent.
There you go.
That's good.
Are you sure that's your real accent though?
Not really, no.
Thank you for calling, Dave.
That's a very good accent.
Well done.
We look forward to seeing you in some major Hollywood feature films.
Textination.
Text, text, text.
Textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
So we have Sir Roger Moore coming into the show and we're asking you to help us think of really clever questions to ask him.
Something that maybe he hasn't been asked before.
Something that'll make this interview really memorable.
Would you like to Roger Moore?
We've got that one in reserve.
That's our fallback position.
But here are some suggestions from the listeners.
Question for Sir Roger.
Was there any truth to the rumour that the girl from For Your Eyes Only was a tranny and went out with Des Lynham?
What?
Where's he got that from?
Come on, that's a good question.
That is a good question.
Yeah, yeah, Roger.
So, Roger, that girl from For Your Eyes Only, was she a tranny?
Did she do Des Lynam?
James James Bond.
Um, did this, was, was, yeah.
She looks like a bloke.
Hey, here's another one from Colin.
Ask Rog, would he rather have a stumpy little tail on his bum or a gnarly little horn on his forehead?
He's got to pick one.
Cheers, Colin.
That's not specific to Roger though, is it?
Just reading you out a cross section of the questions.
I'm not saying these are the good ones.
Are we going to ask him that?
No, you can't.
No, I don't think so.
You know, that could just be applied to anybody.
What does it tell you as well?
I find them quite insulting, those questions, because it- Colin, you've insulted Adam.
You know, because it's a total, it's like they're so uninterested in you that that's all they could be bothered to ask you.
The question needs to be informed in some way, right?
Like the Deslinem Tranny one.
Exactly.
That's a better question.
Ben in Liverpool says, did you get to keep the giant rubber bum that you had to wear as a disguise in Moonraker?
Now he's just imagining that, isn't he?
There's no giant rubber bum in Moonraker, is there?
Giant rubber bum?
As a disguise?
Is that like a subversive question?
I don't know what's going on there.
Why did you read that one out then?
Because it's interesting and mysterious.
I'm just thinking about your criteria tightening.
I think you should see a doctor.
Let me see.
Basically, the short answer is that all of the questions we've had in are quite silly or very serious.
I'm scanning them now and I'm thinking, well, most of them are too silly or too dry.
Well, we've got to ask him something.
Well, this segment of Texternation can be too encouraged.
So we've got two questions.
I'll give you some more.
Would you like to Roger Moore?
And was that bloke a transsexual in the film?
Hello, the name's Moore, Roger Moore, and you are listening to Adam and Joe, or Joe and Adam.
We've heard that Sir Roger Moore is in the house, and we're going to have to get our questions together for him, get them in order.
We are.
Oh, my lordy.
There's a good reason we don't usually, I mean we made an exception because Sir Roger is important to us both.
We don't usually have guests so we need to apologize in advance to our listeners and Sir Roger if our interviewing style isn't particularly evolved.
The last time I think we interviewed a human person, famous or not, was when we did this show called Adam and Jo Go Tokyo, was it not?
Right.
Years ago, like 2003, we were out in Japan and we were doing a show about popular culture
And I would say, generally, our interviews were poor.
I did lots for Radio 4, for the film programme on Radio 4, and I was just much too blunt with very famous people.
James Blunt.
I was quite rude to Robin Williams about the film Patch Adams.
Why?
I just thought I should tell it to him straight.
Did you really?
Yeah, I thought, Robin Williams, you've been kowtowed to all day, Cornish is going to play hardball.
about pat chadham yeah about a run of very disappointing um and sir roger in no way will i do anything like this i'm going to be so reverential it's almost going to be sickening yeah but with williams i stepped over the line and he looked genuinely depressed what the hell were you thinking about i felt ashamed after the interview i thought wow
He's a human being after all.
He has feelings.
He's Patch Adams.
What did you say to him?
I said, what were you thinking?
No, did you actually say those words?
I said, what went wrong?
What were you thinking?
Oh my lord.
And what did he say?
He said, I don't know.
It was a bad decision.
It was just, it was all bad.
The hair started falling off his forearms.
But you know, that's in the past and this is going to be a very exemplary, you know, it's going to be a very good, this interview is going to be played back at BBC workshops to show how to conduct a respectful, reverential interview.
Yeah, I believe that.
Fingers crossed.
Joe, when you have arguments with people, whether it's a girlfriend or a friend or whoever, do you, and I'm talking not so much emotional type arguments, but I mean, all arguments are a bit emotional, aren't they?
But about facts, specifically disagreements about facts.
And then if you find out years later that that fact actually you, you know, you were right and they were wrong.
Yeah.
Do you do anything about trying to get back in touch with the person?
Well, I feel that with this question you are hoping that I, you know, will sympathise with you because you do that quite a lot, don't you?
Do you think I do?
Well, you're the man that thought aeroplanes travelled at the speed of light.
Yeah, I did.
Until you were how old?
No, I was young-ish.
You were in your teens though, weren't you?
No, I was 11.
I was 11.
I was 11.
I can't think of a time when that's happened to me, but it's obviously happened to you recently.
It didn't happen that recently, seven years ago when our first son was born.
I remember the night that my wife came back from the hospital and he was sleeping in our room.
And I like to have a fan on by the bed, right?
I like the noise of it.
It's environmentally friendly.
It's really not, so I've stopped doing it.
But at that point, it was summer as well, and it was very hot.
Anyway, I like the fan on.
And we had this massive argument, me and my wife, about, like, you can't have the fan on because the babies don't like it.
It's really dangerous.
We had a huge, I was like, it's a fan.
The baby would like the fan.
I like, I want to keep the fan.
This is a disaster.
We've got a baby now and I'm not allowed to have my fan.
My whole world's being turned upside down.
So it wasn't a very mature argument.
But anyway, I gave in obviously.
So this was seven years ago.
Seven years ago.
Today.
Cut to the present day and.
I'm flicking through, what's it called, the week magazine and here in their health and science section, fans reduce the risk of cot death.
Parents may be able to reduce the risk of cot death by putting a fan in their baby's bedroom.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Adam Buxton got into a big argument with his wife about this seven years ago.
No, it doesn't say that.
But I'm so excited about taking this back to
That you've decided to read it out on national radio.
I'm the king!
Just to rub it in for poor old Sarah.
Is that mature?
Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing a grown man does.
I was just checking, because I wasn't sure.
There's a little kernel of doubt there about whether it was mature or not, but I'm glad you've confirmed it.
Well done, and let's put your wife in her place.
Thanks very much.
We are very pleased to welcome Sir Roger Moore to the studio here.
How are you doing?
Thank you, Adam.
I'm doing very well, thank you.
Thank you.
Hello, Sir Roger.
I just want you to say my name, that's all.
Joe.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you very much for coming in.
I've got to say, this is a very big moment for the child inside me, because, man, I used to love all of your films, like pretty much everybody else of our generation and everybody else in the country.
You didn't stop loving them though, did you?
Yeah, no, absolutely.
Yes, you did when you met Robin Williams.
Yes.
I fell in love with him instead.
This is weird for me as well because I was watching The Spy Who Loved Me yesterday with my young son, Frank.
He'd never seen it before.
What's he in it?
I don't remember.
No, he wasn't in it.
Oh, I see.
He was watching it.
I was showing it to him and I wasn't sure if I should show it to him or not because I thought maybe it was too grown up for him.
Do you know what I mean?
Like he's only five or something.
Hmm.
Well, I don't know.
I don't think there's anything particularly frightening in it.
He was freaked out by Jaws in there.
Well I was too.
Yeah I mean he thought he thought he was very scary unsettled by the metal teeth.
But poor Richard Keel he could only keep the you know last about 60 seconds with the teeth in.
I'm sure.
Have you ever chewed a piece of silver paper?
Oh.
And it was like having that in his mouth and so he would start gagging after a while.
Horrible.
You had a technique for playing opposite those villains Sir Roger though, didn't you?
Like a way to respond, it says in your biog, a way to respond to their evilness.
I just imagined, sometimes you didn't have to imagine, that they had halitosis.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, Joe is being very careful about keeping the Sir at the beginning of your name.
No, no Sir, no Charlie, Mary, anything you like.
Really?
So you're not, I mean, because you know, it's nice to be knighted.
I want to be knighted.
It's not going to happen, but I can arrange it.
Yeah, if you could, that would be ideal.
I will speak to HM.
How long ago were you knighted?
I think it was five years ago, six years ago.
I mean that is good isn't it, being a knight of the realm.
But you don't, I mean people generally would address you as Sir Roger, would they out of respect?
Well that is the correct form of address for a night at KBE but sometimes it's Sir Moore which it's not of course but it doesn't matter.
You don't get shirty about it.
Why would I?
I don't know, some knights would, I can imagine.
Who's the famous actor that goes into a terrible tizzy if you don't call him?
Ben Kingsley, isn't it Ben Kingsley?
Rumour has it.
Surely not.
This is not something I've heard of, anybody who knows him, but apparently if you don't call him Sir Ben, he goes into a rage.
He goes into a little Gandhi-style rage and starts... He has a fit.
Wow.
Well, he was Gandhi.
Yeah, exactly.
Right.
So he's more noble than the rest of us.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Now, we have been asking some of our listeners to send in questions, because we were keen not to just ask you the same questions that everybody else asks you.
I mean, what do you get asked most often?
What's the key?
Are they your own teeth?
Yeah, yeah.
What do I get out of here?
Who's your favorite Bond girl?
What was your favorite Bond film?
Right, right, right.
We're not going to ask one of those.
No, we're not going to ask either of those.
But a question lots of people are asking is whether you use, or while you were playing Bond, whether you used the character at any time outside of the films, for instance, to attract ladies?
Or you were happily married during most of the Bond years, weren't you?
Yes, all of them.
I think you can say happily I was married, yeah.
But did you ever use your Bond skills, your voice or the persona outside of the films to gain leverage in life or any situation?
No.
No, but surely you could slip into that voice and those mannerisms at any point and, you know, stun people.
Well, the voice and the mannerisms of me and, you know, you say, but it's the same in The Saint, the same in The Persuaders or Ivanhoe or Maverick.
I don't change.
Yeah.
Me.
What about, um, Brian from Norfolk says, um, has any lady ever wanted you to pretend you were James Bond when you were making love?
You know, like a little sexy scene from a Bond movie.
I really want to know, says Brian.
Oh.
It must have happened.
You don't have to go into detail.
Well, Brian, I'm not going to tell you these things.
You might get too excited in Norfolk.
Watch out, here's another little bit.
It might be wicked, it might be one of the weaker bits.
But that's cool.
I like weaker bits.
I can handle up to three.
We should explain what's about to happen.
We have a segment on this program where Adam and I write songs.
So, and we pick a theme each week and we go away individually and we... Well, each week sometimes.
Every once a month.
Yeah.
And we craft these songs.
When I say craft, I mean that in the loosest sense of the word, craft.
And the theme one week was to make prospective theme tunes for the Quantum of Solace to try and second-guess the producers and see if we could come up with a better theme song.
So we are going to now play you, maybe just to ease you in gently, one of those theme songs.
Yeah.
And see what you think.
Have you heard the new theme song to the Quantum of Solace, the Jack White and Alicia Keys song?
I heard it once.
And do you have a strong opinion on... Did you have a strong opinion on the theme songs in the Bond movies you were in?
Because you had some of the best.
You had Live and Let Die.
Great, great piece of music.
For Your Eyes Only is great.
Nobody Does It Better is great.
I always had a soft spot for Moonraker.
Moonraker's fantastic.
Bassie?
No, they were all good.
You know, the one thing about the Bond songs that you can be sure of, they're going to be good music.
Yeah.
Let's play ours now.
Do you want to go first, Joe?
Sure, yeah.
Mine is just called The Quantum of Solace and see what you think of this song, Sir Roger.
It's got a gun engraved in it
The Quantum of Solace I don't know what that means What does it mean?
He's acting flashbacks in black and white No more raised eyebrows, no more quips He's got the stunt team from the Bourne films And lots of product sponsorship The Sumptum of Qualis
Did I get it confused?
I've got his mixed eyes He's nearly dead, no, really nearly It's much more gritty than before No silly gadgets, just loads more fighting With that French bloke, the Duff parkour The thingy of Watsits The something of Boris I forgot what it's called Is that what it was?
The quantum of solace I've written it down
It's lyrically provocative, Sir Roger, and I don't expect you to respond in detail unless you want to.
Those are my opinions.
I say Don Black, eat your heart out.
Oh, that's very flattering, I think, even though I'm not entirely sure who Don Black is.
He wrote most of the lyrics for Vaughan's songs.
Really?
He was the lyricist?
And along with Carol Beersager and Ralph and Hamlish.
Right.
I'm sorry to be so informed.
And Leslie Brickers.
Leslie Brickers.
Right.
Well, that's very flattering.
Joe's thesis there, Roger, is that the noughties have got the bond they deserve, a nasty brutish bond, as opposed to the rather more fantastical and romantic one that you personify.
Do you agree with that?
I... Yes, I do, because I killed them with love.
Yeah.
He kills them with his fists.
You had a consciously slightly comic approach to Bond, though, didn't you, Sir Roger?
Your approach to the character overall, because you thought there was, like, an absurdity to the character in the Fleming novels.
Well, the fact that a spy is recognized in every bar in the world, and they immediately say, a martini shake and not stir, Mr. Bond.
You know, how can you be a spy?
here comes Bond the spy.
I was talking about arguments that you settled years later earlier on and I remember a flaming argument that my parents had when I was very little about whether Bond had a martini shaken not stirred or stirred not shaken and my dad was saying no no he has it stirred not shaken my mom was like what are you talking about it's steak shaken not stirred
and they had a huge bust up about it and they don't live together anymore.
But that's not the reason.
They have too many martinis.
Yeah, exactly.
That was probably the thing.
Anyway, I just mentioned that by the by.
I'll play you my Bond song now.
Okay, I look forward to it.
This is my Quantum of Solace song.
Here we go.
I'm James Bond, I'm a spy, and I'm working for the Brits.
I've got cars and guns and gadgets, I've got ladies with big brains.
I've got licenses to kill, I've got licenses to fish, I've got sex
Sexy suits and air miles But here's my biggest wish I'd like a quantum of solace But no more than a quantum I know they do big bags of solace But I don't want them I only want a teeny tiny slice of solace Before I shoot you Foreign location chase, foreign location chase Shooting dirty baddies in the busy foreign streets
I met a lovely lady, but found out she was a rotter So we exchanged some saucy quips, I snogged her, then I shot her
But I felt quite bad because I'm such a modern, complex guy.
Sometimes this job gets to you, and maybe that is why.
I'd like a quantum of solace, but no more than a quantum.
I know they do big bags of solace, but I don't want them.
I only want a teeny, tiny slice of solace before I shoot you.
Quantum of solace I'm saying the name of the film of the music Quantum of solace I can begin just there
I think we will meet again, Mr. Bond.
Okay.
Bye.
It's a little drama for you, isn't it, sir?
Well, I think it's absolutely lovely.
You miss some obvious rhymes with wits and things like that, but... It's BBC.
But how the devil did you get Michael Caine playing Bond?
He thought that was my best Roger Moore in there.
Oh, I see.
Well, not many people know that.
Listen, Sir Roger, thanks so much for coming in.
It's been an absolute honour and a pleasure.
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Adam.
Stop looking at me.
I just freeze up because I'm so starstruck.
Well, you're quite exciting to look at.
Well, I know.
So it's a dangerous combination.
I mean, this sort of television without pictures is good.
It's electrifying radio.
But not for you.
No, we really do appreciate you coming on this show.
I think you're either going to kill me or kiss me when you look at me.
That'll kill you if I kiss you, I tell you.
It's going to be kiss, kiss, bang, bang.
You never know where my tongue has been.
So there you go, Roger.
This is how we do it here on the Adam and Joe programme.
What did you make of this?
I mean, it's kind of a shambles.
We're not known for our slickness, myself and Joe.
That's our charm.
A lot of it's premeditated and scripted, the shambolicness.
Yes, I noticed the heavy scripts on the table in front of us.
I think you're hysterically funny.
Hey, thanks, man.
And I'm going to chuckle all the way home.
Wow, that's very nice of you.
I can't thank you enough for actually coming on to the show.
We really appreciate your time.
Would you say, out of all of the shows you've been on to promote your book, this was the best?
Would you say that?
Yes, I would if you break my arm, I will, yes.
Wow, that's amazing.
And to offer that compliment unprovoked as well is particularly touching.
Let go!
Man, you are... Thank you so much for coming here.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
You're very kind indeed.
Cheers, Roger.
And thank you, listeners.
We'll be back with you next week.
Have a good week.
See you.
Bye.
Bye.
Goodbye.
OK listeners, so this is like the hidden track at the end of our podcast because Roger, or Sir Roger as Joe insisted on calling him every time, you got into like a little rut there calling him Sir Roger.
It was a purely intentional rut.
Yeah, yeah, I mean you were very respectful.
It was respect based.
I was, I froze when he turned and looked at me.
in the studio I just couldn't deal with it.
He just thought and I stopped talking.
He's licensed to chill.
It happened once before to me when we went on Jonathan Ross's This Is Your Life.
Oh yes.
And sometimes when you're in the room with someone who you're so used to seeing on a screen.
Yeah.
It happens with me that I just look at them and I just go into television mode.
Right.
Veg mode.
Your brain shuts down.
Yeah, my brain shuts down.
It's just like, oh, go on and shoot someone.
Oh, you want me to say something?
And that's what happened there.
But you rescued me brilliantly.
Not really.
I would say brilliantly not.
Because I got it too.
I looked at you and I was like, oh man, he's really starstruck.
Well, we should have thought of a better, a stronger way in, you know.
The thing with that kind of thing is to have your first few questions lined up.
Yeah.
So you're on safe ground, you know.
I didn't ask him if he wanted to Roger more.
No you didn't, did you?
I'm an idiot.
You didn't really ask him any listeners questions?
Didn't seem appropriate because he's such a nice guy is the thing.
Yeah.
I mean there's no like sometimes you meet people of that stature or vintage can I say and they've got like a weird little axe to grind or some kind of bitterness about them but there was absolutely no trace of that with him.
So it was nice.
It didn't seem appropriate to be in any way ironical or weird with him, you know.
I literally worshipped the ground that man walked on, or I would have if I'd known where he'd walked as a child.
And to have him look at me, despite making whatever it was called, Bullshot with Michael Winner, or the later, less powerful films of his career, he's still got that Bond wink, hasn't he?
He looks pretty amazing for 80 or whatever he is as well.
I love him.
Yeah, we both love him.
So, listeners, I hope you weren't too nauseated by our obsequiousness, but there's really nothing else we could do.
We're going to try and trim down the obsequiousness for the podcast.
Yeah, but there might still be little bits of obsequy leaking out.
Do you think that's going to help us get some kind of a TV talk show?
I would say not.
Not, no.
Well, maybe people will think because it was so natural and car crashy, wasn't it, that maybe that works on television.
T4.
Nick Grimshaw is the guy.
And yes, Pixie Girl, he's got lots of famous friends and stuff and he's kind of made a whole career out of that sort of shambly interviewing style, hasn't he, a little bit, you know, and he sort of doesn't really care and he's kind of like, you know, whatever.
But... We should do that too.
Yeah, but we're too old.
That's the thing.
He's young and groovy doing it.
In 40 years, or 20 years even, he won't be allowed to.
The songs went off well, though.
He liked the songs.
He was chuckling.
He was genuinely chuckling during the songs, so that's good.
That's exhausting.
Oh, man.
No more guests for a while.
No more guests.
Just not famous guests.
Yeah.
Not people that... Not knights of the realm with licenses to kill.
Yeah.
When I watched those early bomb films, I didn't know it wasn't real.
You know, there's things going on in my deep psychology to do with sex, with ladies, space, killing, my dad, me, there's a whole nest of Freudian stuff going on there and it just all rose to the surface.
I'm going to need to go home and have some therapy.
Have a lie down.
Listeners, have a good week.
We'll be with you next week.
See you next week.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.
Love you, bye.